Obviously, I am a few days off with my posts. In addition to the CraZZiness of this move, we had another level of insanity today…
Two of my adult sons and their partners visited!
As is par for the course with me…I want to air my dirty laundry with you…in hopes that it will help someone out there know…you are not the only one. So here is the dirtiest little secret…
Autism has divided our family!
Don’t get me wrong…I don’t blame them (or I try not to anyway). I of all people know how hard autism can be. The meltdowns. The constant need for attention.
It is not easy. And they were practically adults by the time that PanKwake was born. They had left home to build lives of their own by the time that the Big A word came into the picture. But still, it affects them too.
While they do not NEED me the way that PanKwake or any younger child would…there are still times when they WANT their mother’s attention. But autism put constraints on my ability to give that in the way they want…and each has reacted differently.
And I am left with a Sophie’s Choice.
A true one…though I do not kill one of my children with my decisions…I have and do kill our relationships.
It is an untenable position for any parent to be placed in. But that is life sometimes.
And all you can do…is your best.
So I have this day. I cooked and cleaned. I prepped PanKwake for this day. And from my perspective…it went as well as it could have.
But still I know in my heart…that I let them down. I could not be the mother that they wanted me to be for them in that moment.
A part of time is truly sorry…I see what they want/need from me now…at this time in their lives and development. But honestly, I am not sure that even without PanKwake, I could be THAT mother-in-law. I am just too much like Roz Focker…
And that would never be easy for my Gabes to bring their girlfriends home to.
But an eleven year-old autistic sister, especially one with Pathological Demand Avoidance? That just makes things even more complicated. So I do understand….
But like Roz…a part of me is angry with them. Something inside me screams…
I raised you better than that.
I did my absolute best to teach them to be open-minded, inclusive and free-thinkers. Then society got ahold of them…and ruined it all. They sold-out. At least to my warped mind (and Roz’s too if you watch that movie).
But I can rationalize and ‘over’think it all. What worries me the most is that the true loser in this one…is PanKwake. She wants/needs to see her siblings…to do HER best to be close to them. But that is hard.
And especially on this Sophie/Roz mother.
No, I don’t have the answers either. I don’t do it perfectly. Heck, I don’t even do it well. I fail. I fail miserably.
I just want other autism/PDA families out there to know they are not alone…
Oh and yes, this is #HomeEd related…all that stuff about raising them better…they were homeschooled for six years. So I feel that I failed not just as a mother…but as a Home Educator.